The dating game

Going to the theatre is like dating...
That's my new theory.
You pay out money, there's usually alcohol consumed and then you sit back and hope for magic...
But you never know what you're gonna get.
That's why millions of pounds is poured into the West End Tourist-friendly theatre trade because people like to know what to expect. It's the same with internet dating sites, why talk to someone in a bar when you can read their profile? Because that way you think you know what you're going to get. But the thing is you can't...not really.
Even if you think you know because it has X writer or Y director involved, because you have the same hobbies or interests, the evening can still take you completely by suprise.
Sometimes in a really good way that you'll remember for a long time and sometimes in a way that makes you wish you could get a friend to phone you and pretend you your gran fell down the stairs.
Lately a lot of the shows I've seen have left me feeling like this, wishing for an excuse to escape. Not because they were bad (though some were) but because I don't think I really wanted to be there.
Me.
The person who is forever trying to drag her friends to the theatre?
The person who pre-books tickets months in advance?
It didn't make any sense at first so I ignored, brushed it off as tiredness yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I just didn't care and that...well, I just didn't have enough patience to wait and see which way it would surprise me.
I was half thinking about this when I heard someone (in a movie ironically enough) say they had fallen out of love and frankly that terrified me.
I had to pause the movie.
I had to go get a drink, pace up and down for a while and think this through.
Was this what had happened to me and theatre?
What about my theatre-is-like-dating theory?
Sure, you can fall out of love with someone, you can even fall out of love with quite a lot of people, but you can't fall out of love with everyone in one go and surely you can't fall out of love with the very notion of trying to find love, can you?
And if you can - what does that say about me?
Was I giving up? Was I becoming a bitter cynic? Was I losing faith?
I couldn't work it out so I decided to press play on the rest of the movie.
The person had recently met someone who, though they weren't romantically involved with, they had more in common with than their partner and it had made them realise who they were and what they wanted and it had just changed everything.
That's how I feel about theatre.
I will always love it but recently I've met something else and it has changed everything.
The something else I've met is my own writing.
I have written lots of stuff before now, some of it has even reached performance, but what I'm writing now is different.
I don't know why it is...I just know that this movie had a point.
Sometimes things don't change, you do.
I'm not giving up on dating, I'm just ready for something more.
Having a one night surprise with a pre-prepared play is not enough, I want a relationship, I want to see it grow and develop and be part of that process.
The irony is I doubt I would feel this way if I hadn't been to see so much theatre.
So I guess I was right, it really is like dating.
When you're really ready for more the novelty wears off having anything less.

Running On Empty...

Last time I was on here I wrote about running on the treadmill but now all I feel I can write about with any expertise is running on empty.
I am exhausted, I've never felt so tired, not in a I can't get enough sleep way and not in a I'm tired of life and want to give up way but somewehere yo-yoing between the two.
I feel chronic guilt if I'm not doing as much as I can/should/need to and sheer exasperation when I do as much as I can/should/need to and feel like I fail at it.
I know what you're thinking - take a break, chill out etc etc but I'm in the last 7 months of a 24 month MA course, taking a rest now would be like the hare that has a nap and gets overtaken by the tortoise.
The dilemma is not whether or not to work hard, it is simply what to work hard on.
I joked with my housemate that if I had put as much time and effort into my lovelife as I have changing careers I'd be turning them away in their droves at the door (which would be nice)!
But I haven't because all I have wanted to do for the last two years is open doors to a different future for myself and now I feel like all I ever do is run between the doors that might open frantically trying the handle instead of choosing one and preparing to step through it with both feet.
For anyone who's hesitated when choosing which carriage to get on in the tube and watched the train pull away might know what I mean.

I have got into a terrible habit recently of quizzing friends about certain aspects of their lives - travels, purchases, jobs, affairs - if I think it might make an interesting aspect of a future play and I keep saying "it's all material".
Most of them are supportive and quite flattered but a few of them seem to wonder when these stories are going to materialise.
They're not the only one, I feel like I need to stop collecting material and start telling the story.
And if I could just figure out which story that is that would be a good start...