One more for the road...

I've noticed since I finished my MA that the 2 years of studying, struggling, staying in, non-socialising, watching, analysing, questioning, creating and generally tearing my hair out has, if nothing else, given me 2 wonderful things...

1) is the confidence to say - out loud and to other people - that I write.
Ok so I'm not a writer yet and I certainly am not a paid writer but I spend my time writing and I am not ashamed to admit that's what I do, in fact I am proud that it's what I am incredibly passionate about and not only shapes the way I look at the world, it shapes who I am and what I want in this world.

2) is a fairly decent drinking habit.
I am not denying that I used to drink a lot pre MA, I just didn't need it quite as much as I do now.
I love to come home and have a drink while I soak in a brilliant piece of TV writing or go to the theatre and have a drink, or to go out with friends and drink...it's become less about binge drinking my way through my weekends which my former self used to do and more about having a drink with most things I do...I'm not sure which is healthier to be honest!

There's no doubt that writers have a reputation for being the first one to suggest going for a drink and the last ones to prop up the bar too and that got me thinking about why writers drink so much, what's in that last mouthful/last glass/last bottle that we crave?

Maybe it's because no matter how eccentric we are we are also social creatures who love to tell stories and it's in our social DNA that alcohol and stories mix well, why else does most of the population have a night in front of the TV or DVD with a bottle of wine, or do they bear to hold the obligatory plastic glasses at theatres?

Maybe it's about gaining access to the unconscious certainly the only time I cry these days is when i'm either a) drunk or b) writing an emotionally charged scene.

Maybe it's because we're constantly stressed, not stressed like I've experienced before in management jobs but stressed because we're trying to birth our creative babies a lot of times without the equivalent of a creative midwife.
Maybe like an epidural alcohol eases this difficult and painful process?

Maybe it's an insecurity that even after we've said out loud that we write and cried our way through our difficult scenes that it will all mean nothing.
And maybe what we really crave more than anything else is meaning.
We want to find the meaning in things that's why we write and we want our stories to mean something to others that's why we work so hard at it.
What if they don't?
That's more than an insecurity for me.
That's a paralysing fear.
But surely the more successful a writer is the less insecure they would be and the less they would drink...I know for a fact that this aint true.

I get the sense that I could discuss the topic of alcohol till the cows come home but I can't make much sense of it (and it might not be terribly exciting) unless I really investigate my own relationship with it.
So instead of why do writers drink, I'll ask why do I drink?
And I think all of the reasons above are valid, but there could be one other possibility too.
To me I used to binge drink at the weekend - not excessively, just the same amount as any other young Londoner would - and then I would work my ass off all week to pay for the lifestyle.
There would be times I would be 'on' meaning nights I would be up for drinking and partying then nights when I would be 'off' meaning nights I wouldn't drink.
Since doing this MA these 'on' and 'off' periods are a lot less distinct, I can have just as many (or as few) drinks on a Saturday as I can on a Tuesday.
In fact if I do fancy a drink on a Sunday or a Monday I struggle to find a friend to drink with me because most are giving their poor livers a break from the excess of the weekend whereas for me the weekends are my writing time and not my drinking time.
I'd rather be hungover at work than be hungover when I sit down to write.
Also, I am never really 'off' because I never really stop writing.
I can be thinking of ideas sat at my desk, or on the bus, in the bath, in the supermarket, in the gym, chatting to mates etc
Perhaps a side effect of this is that the more often my brain is 'switched on' then the more often I will crave a drink to help switch it off.

I don't think I have a conclusion to why writers drink or why I like to drink maybe I'll think about it some more...
Maybe I'll write about it and see where the story takes me...
If I'm going to write about it maybe I'll have to do some more in-depth research...

Now, where did I put that corkscrew...?