2 days ago my laptop died.
I got home from a long day at work, grabbed a snack and sat down to my evening of re-writing but it wouldn't turn on. Then it came on for about 3 seconds then went away again, it did that again once more, flashed an error message at me then refused to ever come on again.
I was heartbroken, mortified, inconsolable...
I know that may sound dramatic but I am less than 11 days away from the deadline for the second draft of my full length play for my MA. This period, between the first and second draft, is one I can only describe as hell.
I thought things were bad over the Easter weekend when I was fretting over the structure of the second act and wrestling with my awkward female characters...I had no idea.
Not only could I not do that evening's work on my play, I didn't know if it was ever going to come back on and let me do my work on it again.
Luckily, I back up my work every Sunday so I hadn't lost huge amounts of material but time - and with it hope - was rapidly slipping away.
I rushed it to PC hospital the next day and a very lovely man did a few tests and told me the board was gone.
I don't know much about computer healthcare but I knew that was not good.
The very lovely man told me it would be cheaper to buy a new laptop than to save this one.
I ranted at him that I was less than 2 weeks away from a big deadline, flat broke and unable to buy a new one and that only two weeks ago I had paid another nice, but not as lovely, man to restore it because it had been poorly then.
He said there was nothing he could do but that he would give me my money back that I paid for the restore which I could use towards buying a new one.
This is what earned him his nickname.
I had to go back the next day with the receipt and get the refund.
In the meantime I phoned a few friends for advice, advice on ingenious ways to get a laptop without paying any money for it or advice on ways to raise enough money to buy a laptop without breaking the law.
All the while, I was still trying to keep up with my work using good old-fashioned pen and paper which was romantic for about 10 minutes before it became gloriously frustrating.
What struck me in those few, painful hours was how wonderfully helpful my friends were. I had offers of laptop loans and money loans from people I knew couldn't really afford either and I was sincerely touched. I also had offers of help finding and choosing a replacement and one to sit and type as I dictated my play to them to help make up the lost time which was ludicrously kind...or maybe just ludicrous, I'm not sure.
Anyway the point is...I felt lucky.
In a difficult time, when disaster struck, I felt lucky to have really wonderful people around me and it made me even more determined to get through it all and to get through it all without bitching and moaning about it.
Today I went back to the very lovely man and when he gave me my money back he offered to 'dispose' of my laptop. I wasn't ready to let it go yet I knew there was no point keeping it.
I tried to work out why I was being reluctant and it hit me.
It's not just that I loved it, it's not just that I used it every day for 5 years and it's not just that it went everywhere with me.
It's that it represented everything I have recently achieved.
The plays that audiences have laughed at were written on there, the casting briefs and call sheets for the theatre nights I've produced were emailed from there, the essays and script reports for my course were created on there. We had built this world I now live in together and we'd never get to do any of it together again.
Even now, as I type this on my housemate's PC, I wish I still had it, even though I know it would never light up at my touch again I miss it and I can't help wonder where it is right now.
I have been telling my friends that it has gone to laptop heaven.
They laugh, as if a child has said something cute and naive but that's what I need to believe.
Right now I just need to believe that all the years of hard work and sweat and tears and stress and fears and worry and frustration and doubt and hope that has poured out of me and into that laptop has gone on to a happy resting place and not an empty techie-graveyard.
There will soon be a new laptop, and probably many more, but there will always be the memories of my first laptop that was with me through so many inspirations and discoveries.
And no matter what there will always be my wonderful friends if one ever breaks on me again.
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