I think I love you...So what am I so afraid of?

Everyone looks forward to the weekend and every weekend usually brings along an exciting event or time to enjoy yourself.
This weekend for me will go down as one of the weekends to remember not because it was the most action packed or fun-filled but because it was turning point of all the things that have recently come to pass and made me believe that anything is possible.

Nothing conformed to convention but it all exceeded expectations and the relief of things not going the way they should have left me feeling lighter than air.
Someone who's honesty had upset me greatly in the past actually gave me inspiration, a person who thought they'd let me down gave me a great gift by challenging me to do something I never would have done and a person who's talent I admired turned out to admire me too.

Most of all I completely and utterly fell in love with writing for performance all over again.
I have been struggling with one of my projects so much recently I had forgotten all of the reasons I became so committed to creating it in the first place.
Through a complete accident I was forced into writing a small piece of theatre in a very short space of time and it made me realise that the most important thing is an idea, that the possibilities are endless and that discipline is half the battle. I found myself in position which gave me a kickstart to all those things and whilst I wouldn't exactly describe it as a walk in the park I would say it felt like a refreshing sea breeze - neither of which are easy metaphors to summon when you live in the middle of a city like London.
I re-discovered that what you write is like the start of a relay race and it must be passed on to the cast and crew who then pass it on to the audience.
If you have written something just pass it on, the worst thing that could happen might not be as difficult as creating it was and the best thing that could happen is that it could turn out better than you ever imagined it.

For me this weekend writing for theatre felt like kissing someone for the first time.
The desire can completely take over you but the fear can be crippling and whilst the experience can sometimes be disappointing it can also totally blow your mind.
You know how to do it, you've done it before yet you have no idea what might happen so you might think about it for ages, you worry, maybe even talk about it too much, perhaps you procrastinate but then you do it - this intimate thing that comes from your soul - and whether it is good bad or ugly; it makes you feel alive.

Once you kiss someone once there's usually a lingering question about whether you'll kiss again.
You want to do it, but you want it to be right and you're scared of what it might lead to, or worse that it might not lead to anything.
I don't know if the things that happened this weekend will ever happen again or if they do if they'll be as good but there's one thing I do know.
There's lots of reasons to love whatever it is you love but there's always more reasons to be scared of loving it.
The only way to make sure one doesn't overtake the other is just to keep doing it.
If you're doing someting big, take a break and do something small.
If things aren't going to plan, then plan something different.
But if you don't keep doing it then you might forget why you wanted to do it - and that is definately scarier than anything else that could possibly happen.

Evolution Underground

After a night out last week for a friend's birthday I found myself on the tube heading home, admittedly quite tipsy at this point, discussing evolution.
Not monkey-into-man type discussions, more along the lines of how as a single seasoned londoner you evolve, sometimes without even knowing it.
Take my man pal for example - I have known him 8 years and in that time I have seen him evolve into a kind, wise man full of passion and patience.
Not that he wasn't any of those things to begin with and not that he isn't still as much fun after two bottles of Sauvignon Blanc as he ever was...but it just seems like both his head and heart have a greater capacity to be true to himself than they did before.
The passing of almost a decade since I met him has brought about many things that I never would have dared to predict, a few things I wish I could change but also more good times than I can even begin to remember - and a fair chunk of them involve him, or at least countless messages to his voicemail shouting "I'm by the speaker on the left - where are you?".
I know at times he's taken flak for being my mate and I'm grateful that he never let it alter our friendship, so that no matter what we were always able to talk a lot, laugh a lot and usually do those things whilst drinking a lot too.
The one thing we've never been able to do is be anything other than completely honest with each other.
That's why on a recent random Monday evening I found myself attempting to dispense relationship advice to him and trying to explain all this to him in a far less articulate way.
It sort of came out as "you're the same person but also you're a different person, you know?".
I don't think it made much sense to him at the time or to me actually until I heard someone say that as a writer, you have to make growth your ultimate goal.
At first I thought they meant that perhaps you should aim to grow by shaping your writing into what people want but what they actually meant was the opposite, that to truly evolve with your work you have to stay true to yourself and keep doing your best. If you do you will grow with your work and if you send that out into the marketplace then it will respond eventually.
In other words, keep giving them you until you is what they want.
I run the risk of descending into a 'to thine own self be true' cliche moment but I think the two conversations are linked and when I realised that I felt relieved.
My mate has grown into a stronger person beacause he has asked himself what he wants out of life and has been dedicated and determined to finding the answer.
Writing can be inspiring, frustrating, satisfying, challenging, scary and crazy all at once.
As a wannabe writer I constantly feel like I don't know what I'm doing and I keep expecting it to get easier but it doesn't.
As a single Londoner I feel like things are the same as they have always been but are also completely different too and I sometimes wonder if that'll ever get any easier too.
Growth never stops so neither should you.
Keep writing, dating, talking and laughing.
Keep giving them you until you is what they want.

Astrological Obsessions...

I have a basket next to my desk which is full of notebooks of all different shapes and sizes.
I have notebooks to do a sort of mini analysis of things I have watched; one for plays I have seen, one for films I have seen and one for TV programmes I have seen so that I can remember who the writer was and what I loved about their structure, setting or characters.
I have one that lists all my favourite writers with a little picture (It is important to be able to recognise your favourite writer if you ever meet them) and a CV of their work.
I have a notebook full of writing exercises from all the different courses I have been on or books I have read about getting started and/or beating writer's block.
I have one notebook for scribbling thoughts from books I have read that have nothing to do with writing - Lance Armstrong's books and Michael J Fox's autobiography being the most inspiring and therefore taking up the most room in there.
I have a little one for writing down the dreams I have, a tiny one that I carry in my bag and scribble down ideas in when I'm on the tube and one with a gorgeous cover that I use for unconscious writing when I'm tucked up in bed.
Finally I have one to store the things that inspire me, move me or make me think. It can be a quote, an article, a phrase, a picture or just an idea...
Some of my favourites include;
"We do not discover new lands without consenting to lose sight of the shore for a very long time"
Unknown
"If you're willing to fail interestingly, you tend to succeed interestingly"
Edward Albee
"Ideas are like fish. If you want to catch the little fish you can stay in the shallow water but if you want the big fish you've got to go deeper."
David Lynch
"Fail. Fail again. Fail better"
Samuel Beckett
"Travelling from the known to the unknown requires crossing an abyss of emptiness, we first experience disorientation and confusion."
Dawna Markova
"In the end 3 things matter most; how well did you love, how fully did you love, how deeply did you learn to let go."
Buddha

As well as quotes and ideas, I stick copies of horoscopes that I have read in the book. Not just anyone's horoscopes, always Jonathan Cainer's.
Wether you do or do not believe in horoscopes this guy's website is worth a read anyway because his horoscopes are just beautifully written little snippets of insight into the feelings and frustrations of life.
I used to check the site maybe once a month and I would keep a copy of what he said maybe once every 6 months or so, but recently I have started checking every day without fail and I seem to be sticking a copy in my book once or twice a week.
I started to worry that I was becoming obsessed and that soon my walls be covered with print outs from this guy's website so I actually emailed him and explained that I had become a regular reader and whilst I loved what he wrote I was worried that I was relying on them too much.
I asked him if he thought this meant I was becoming weak because I needed someone else's opinion. To his credit he replied within an hour and he explained the process he goes through when writing his horoscopes.
I can't reveal his secrets obviously but it is always inspiring as a wannabe writer when you are given a peek into how someone who inspires you does their work.
He also said that my reliance on his horoscopes meant that maybe I was more self aware about my goals than I was before and it was a sign of strength that I was trying to see past my current obstacles of that day or week to the bigger picture of where I wanted to be and that if his website helped do that just a little bit then there was nothing wrong with that.

As I have mentioned on here before, I have been through a rough patch lately and here's some of the things he said which have helped;

24th Sept
"It's as if something within you is ready to make a once in a lifetime bid to escape a stale situation and to find some way to do more of what you have always believed you should be doing with your life"
25th Sept
"You know you must follow the dream. You also know you are not quite fully ready yet"
10th October
"Face the possibility of failure if you want to truly embrace success"
1st November
"You reall may as well trust the plan you have already made. It is no worse than any other plan, and considerable better than many"
3rd November
"This week you are only inches away from a big breakthrough so don't go travelling miles"
6th November
"You may be having an intense experience, but at least you are finally becoming clear about what does and does not need to happen next"

Check him out at www.cainer.com.

Are you proud of where you grew up???

As is evident from the name of my blog, I am from Burnley.
I call myself a Burnley girl despite the fact that I have lived at different times in my life in different parts of the world (Luton, Glasgow, Huddersfield, Sydney, Lancaster, Peterborough, San Jose and London) and I left my family in Burnley when I moved out of home ten years ago.
Also, given the sorry state of local politics, economic decline, racial relations and football violence that have existed in the town's recent history some people could be forgiven for wondering why I still affiliate myself to the town with such loyalty.
I am currently drawing on my knowledge and experiences of Burnley to write a full length play for my MA in Creative Writing and it is one of the most difficult pieces of writing I have ever attempted and I'm not even half way through it yet. It is very strange to look back through your past using the (hopefully) more mature and analytical eyes of a writer.
When you are creating a story, can you be objective and subjective at the same time?
The wonderful writer and lovely man that is Kwame Kwei-Armah would argue that you can as he calls his plays “the theatre of my front room” because that’s where, for him, everything began. I think I feel the same way.
I am suddenly filled questions about what it means to belong to a place, what it is important to have in a community and what you do if those two things clash against one another...
I am suddenly just as critical of the people who think the town has nothing but a bad reputation as much as I am about the people who give the town nothing but a bad reputation.
As I dig deeper into the complexities of a town that has become the problem child of modern society I am discovering that the true motives of people from or for Burnley are not always what they seem and are certainly not represented in the national press the same way people in Burnley see them.
So, to answer the question am I proud of where I grew up?
Yes I am.
I have no shame about being a girl from Burnley, I have no regrets that I spent a significant chunk of my formative years growing up there and, even if I have lost most of my northern accent now, I would still use the last of my vocal chords defending Burnley and it's people if I had to.
I hope what I write will do the town justice and I hope I can do it soon enough to make it count (it is slightly alarming to discover people like Robin Soans and Anna Clarkson using the same subject matter as you are).
But even if my play surfaces when people are sick of hearing about it, even if people from Burnley hate it and disown me, even if it becomes known as the worst play in the world I will still cherish it.
Would I want to write about Burnley if I wasn't from there? Perhaps.
Would I need to write about Burnley if I wasn't from there? Perhaps not.
Writing it is proving painful, getting it out there will be excruciating I'm sure but I honestly don't think I can move forward as a writer or as a person until I have got through both.
I am hoping I can emerge 7 months from now as a stronger, more successful writer not someone who gave up on both their future and their past all in one go.
Perhaps what is comforting to know is that, either way, I will still be the same girl from Burnley.

How do you thank a memory?

There is a man who was in my life briefly, fleetingly, about 18 months go and who I rarely see except for chance meetings in theatre foyers every now and again.
Yet he is a man whom I can say in all honesty that I will be indebted to for the rest of my life. And what’s strange is he doesn’t even know this.
He inspired me in a way that no one else ever has because he challenged me to the best I can be, even to be better than I believed I could ever be.
He made me realize that I had no excuse not to have the tools I needed to be successful at what I loved so I went out to learn them.
He didn’t do this because he had a deep affection for me or because he felt I needed or deserved it. He did it just by being himself.
He works in the theatre world and like a lot of theatre practitioners he demands the best of people, sometimes even before they know what that is.
I think that’s why I have such a passion for theatre, why I keep coming back to it no matter how much I rebel, because it’s not afraid to challenge you and go straight to the heart of who you are.
To have the dedication to work with different people on a regular basis, to get through rehearsals, to communicate intimate stories to complete strangers whether you are a writer, director, producer or actor takes guts and a passion that means that losers need not apply.
I love people who love theatre because they are the kind of people who can inspire someone to change their life without even knowing it.
I have recently discovered that in the world of writing being challenged is better than being complimented and I think that’s why the memories of this person have resurfaced.
I don’t know when I’ll see him again but, even if I saw him tomorrow, I don’t think I would tell him that it was him who challenged me, inspired me and helped me.
I will tell him one day…but I want to wait till I can do it in the opening pages of my first published play.

Sudden Death Victory

So last night Burnley - who are 5th in the championship - beat Chelsea - who are top of the premiership in the 4th round of the Carling Cup. Not only did they beat them, but they did it after holding them to a 1-1 draw for 120 minutes of football and after going down to ten men and after the game went to sudden death penalties.

There just aren't words to express how amazing the evening was.

First of all, I was completely transported out of my London life and back in to my formative years as I stood next to my big brother right in amongst the six thousand Burnley fans that had travelled down to London.
Glorious memories of the many away games I went to growing up came flooding back as I was greeted by old friends and complete strangers with equal regard and warmth.
Within only a few minutes the overtly aristocratic Stamford Bridge - which is only 4 and a half miles from my flat - seemed like a different world with all it's suited fans and it's Marco Pierre White restaurant.
Not that any of this phased the Burnley fans - they still got the beers in, they still had a laugh and they still sang their hearts out from start to finish.
Even before kick off the atmosphere in the Shed End was victorious - Burnley fans were treating the game like their own cup final, a trip to London, a premiership team, it might as well have been at Wembley for they were just here to have a good time...and boy did they!
Burnley were the underdogs and though they were occasionally outplayed by some lovely football from Chelsea they never let Chelsea take complete control of the game - even after Drogba scored in the first half - and they never gave up either, as Akinbiyi proved with his equalizer in the second half.
Extra time felt like the longest 30 minutes of my life - I don't even watch the clock that much when I'm on the treadmill - every second was agonisingly slow and the only thing that eased the pain was to alternate whole heartedly joining in the Burnley chants with screaming 'Come on Burnley' at the players.
You might think it seems silly but I felt like the louder I yelled the more chance we would have of holding on and whether the yelling made any difference or not the fact was that we did manage to hold on till the very end.
Then the thought of stepping up to take penalties alongside some of the world's finest players didn't bother the boys from Burnley one little bit (apart from Elliot perhaps) and it certainly didn't bother Burnley's goalkeeper; the mighty Brian 'Beast' Jensen who saved not one, but two of Chelsea's attempts.
The feelings that coarse through you when you are watching your team take penalties - as any England fan knows - are an indescribably painful mixture of pride, nervousness and sheer hope.

In a way it made me smile to think that so many people - myself included - spend so much of their busy working life 'stressed out'. Next time I'm having a bad day in the office I'm going to try to imagine what Michael Duff felt like stepping up in front of the Chelsea fans to take his penalty.
And if I'm having a really bad day I'm going to try and remember how wonderful it felt watching Jensen save Mikel's penalty and take us through to the next round.

There's no doubt I am excited to see who we get next in the cup (I'm secretly hoping for another London premiership team) and I'm excited to see how the rest of the season pans out for us, but, as a London claret, nothing that comes after today will feel quite as sweet as the sudden death victory of last night because it wasn't just a game, it was much more than that.

As a wannabe playwright I love a good metaphor and the game somehow became a metaphor for my life at the moment.
A metaphor for how important it is to understand where you've come from in order to get to where you need to.
A metaphor for holding dear to your heart not wealth or glory but honesty and friendship.
A metaphor for facing your worst nightmare and not only not letting it defeat you, but actually going on to defeat it.
Christopher Booker, who has written a gloriously informative book called 'The Seven Basic Plots; Why We Tell Stories' would perhaps describe the plot of last night as a typical 'Overcoming the Monster' story where the monster is overcome by the hero.
Booker eloquently states that the bigger the threat of evil the more it matters that it is overcome and the more challenging it is for our hero to be victorious the more we truly experience the story.
Last night's victory was such an experience, and for the first time in nearly 20 years of being a Burnley fan, what the result of the game really means wasn't lost on me.

Achilles Heel

I have said a couple of times on here already that I have been through a rough couple of weeks.
I don't want to wallow in it but I think I keep talking about it so openly because I am still getting over the shock of it - the shock of how sad I actually got before I admitted I was feeling sad.
My achilles heel has always been actually needing anyone and me being too proud to ask for help was a silly by-product of that.
It took some good friends and some strong drinks to come to terms with it all and for me to get to a place where I could say to people; hey, I'm struggling here, but give me chance and I'll be back on top form soon...
It reminds me of a great quote that our film tutor gave us last year for describing the hero's journey "though greatly weakened he is stronger".
It's only when the odds are stacked against the hero, where it seems too desperate to continue do they find the inner strength they never knew they had to deal with it.
Unlike the Hollywood movies we were studying at the time nothing in my life has changed, no dramatic reversal has occurred, no angel has arrived to solve my problems, no winning lottery ticket has fallen into my lap and it's still bloody raining but somehow it's true.
I was sad, I wanted to quit everything and hide from the world but now I feel like that just because I let myself feel that it's in the past now.
While I know the next 7 months are not going to be easy, it's not going to be that tough either and that - for the time being - is ok with me.

In case of emergency

I am reading a fabulous book at the moment that I came across by chance in a lovely charity book store in Manhattan http://www.housingworks.org/social-enterprise/bookstore-cafe/
The book was 8 dollars and I nearly didn't buy it because, well that's the price of latte or two and I have SO many books (mostly plays or books about plays) on my to-read list already I didn't really need another one.
Something about the book felt right so I bought it and a couple of other books that were presents for my Brooklyn buddies.
I figured I'd carry it back to London and read it when I had the time (perhaps in 2011), but the other night I was quite stressed and my mind was racing at 1am so I decided to read a few pages of something that I didn't have any vested interest in to try and help me get to sleep...
I picked up this 8 dollar book off my overloaded 'to read' shelf and I haven't put it down since.

The book is called Writing from the Inside Out by Dennis Palumbo and it is a lovely, helpful and insightful book about the problems writers have with writer's block which he describes as a mish mash of doubt and fear and envy. He talks about each feeling and how it can be an obstacle to writing and how it is best to embrace it and channel that energy into your characters and your work. It's got very short passages so it's easy to dip in and out as needed which when you are constantly stealing snatches of time from life to do the thing you love is really helpful.
It has been one of the things that has really helped me through a very tough couple of weeks mostly because it made me realise I'm not alone and also because it has reminded me how much I love to write, which I think I had got myself so stressed I had simply forgotten.

The book has a 3 page section about the buddy system saying that every writer (and indeed creative person) needs a buddy they can call to discuss their work with, even if it's in a panic at 1am.
When I started my MA our tutor said we should find a buddy so that if we missed a lecture we could swap notes etc. So I chose my buddy (based on a shared love of the work of Enda Walsh) and we adopted a 2nd buddy too as she was on exchange for the year.
Since then these guys have changed from just the people I get missed notes off to my theatre buddies, my ideas buddies, my drinking buddies, my holiday buddies and well, my inspiration.
They constantly amaze me with their talent and their kindness and they have helped me out of what has felt like a deep hole of confusion recently.
I guess I just wanted to share how grateful I am that I prescribed to this 'buddy system' because it's the creative version of the 'In case of emergency...' contact. It's not that other friends and family don't help and support you - but those that go through the same hell and back as you are sometimes the only ones that can help you knock down whatever wall is holding you back, because they know who you are and what you are capable of and they are the only people in the world who believe that those two things are enough.
I have 2 great 'In case of emergency' buddies (and a few others too who are amazingly talented and incredibly supportive and always willing to buy me a pint of guinness to help ease the pain) and even if I never make it as a writer then at least I will have been lucky enough to meet these people and call them my buddies along the way.

If you know who your 'In case of emergency' person or people are then call them - call them straight away and tell them and ask them how they are doing.
If you don't yet have a person then get hold of Palumbo's book so that when you do you'll be able to help them out.

Page 28 of the book "Agents come and go. So do assignments, good ideas, flush times, and lean times. But for a writer, the buddy system - the long term, ongoing relationship with that one intellectual, emotional, creative soulmate - is a treasured constant".

Welcome to my world...

I have had a bizarre few weeks recently and I've come to the conclusion that I would like a little slice of cyberspace to write my wonderings about the world and express my experiences, so here it is.
People seem to be moving away, time seems to be shrinking and nothing seems simple anymore so I hope that this blog will be a place where friends and family all across the globe can stay in touch and where I can learn a bit about myself along the way too...
So welcome to my world; please feel free to read my ramblings and don't be afraid to say hello!